Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, including (and sometimes especially) marriage. Everything from squabbling over the toilet seat being left up, to how much money was placed on a credit card bill this month. However, how we navigate and resolve conflict can have a significant impact on the overall health and happiness of our union.
My husband and I have invested a lot of time, care, energy and resources into sustaining our marriage. We've been married for nearly ten years and together for just over thirteen. I remember when our mentors told us: "You guys need to learn how to fight fair."
They were right. And that's what I'm diving into today.
Engaging in fair fighting is crucial for maintaining a strong and harmonious bond with your beloved. I'm going to explore the key principles and strategies to fight fairly with your spouse, encouraging open communication, understanding, and growth in your relationship.
Fair warning #1. It's not easy and you will mess up. Why? Because you're human and we're here to grow and then return to Oneness.
Fair warning #2: I am not a psychologist or a relationship expert. However, I have written books on the subject from my own perspective of being married, twice.
Here are my hottest tips for keeping your cool:
Tip 1: Understand the Nature of Conflict
Conflict is a natural occurrence in any and all relationships. It is important to recognize that disagreements are not inherently negative, but rather an opportunity for growth and understanding. Different conflict styles exist, and understanding them can help you identify unhealthy patterns. Awareness is the first step towards resolving conflicts in a fair and constructive manner.
Most of us have childhood baggage, old relationship wounds and limiting beliefs and the playground of the union is how you begin to heal them.
Tip 2: Establish a Foundation of Respect and Trust
Respect and trust are the pillars of a healthy relationship. Building a foundation of open communication and active listening creates a safe space for both partners to express their emotions and concerns. Make an effort to understand each other's perspectives without judgment or criticism. Remember that your spouse's feelings are valid and deserving of your attention. And...when you do ‘fly off the handle’ try not to push the self implosion button. I would threaten to leave, to divorce, to scream bloody murder from the high heavens. It was my own pain rising up and asking for support to be healed.
Tip 3: Effective Communication Strategies
Effective communication is vital in fair fighting. Active listening plays a crucial role in understanding your spouse's point of view. Give them your undivided attention, maintain eye contact, and refrain from interrupting. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and avoid blaming or accusing your spouse. Most of the time when you do express your feelings the other person might feel blamed no matter how "conscious" you are about it. My latest book: BE THE LOVE is all about self-responsibility in relationships to avoid digging bigger holes of emotional suffering.
Tip 4: Rules for Fighting Fair
Agree (and set a boundary within yourself) to avoid personal attacks, insults, or name-calling, as they only escalate the tension. No matter how much of a "poo-poo head" someone is being you have to keep it to yourself. My husband has never called me names, but he has called me out on my behavior. He lead by example to not cross that line either - and oh boy it took some time to learn these new skills - but it was worth it.
When emotions run high, always take a break and cool your jets. Giving space is magical medicine.
Tip 5: Conflict Resolution Techniques
If you can, look for areas of agreement and be willing to compromise. My first meditation teacher shared with me that a successful marriage is about letting the "CAT" out of the bag. The acronym stands for compromise, acceptance and tolerance. Nail those three elements and you'll have a stronger foundation.
Tip 6: Taking Responsibility and Apologizing
If you know you are being an ass-hat, then own it. There is beautiful healing energy when you can apologize and invite your beloved to push the reset button with you and start again. However, only do this intentionally when you feel congruent with your levels of remorse and desire to move forward. Saying sorry when you don't mean it is dangerous. And always be willing to let go of grudges.
Tip 7: Practicing Self-Care and Emotional Regulation
This is where neediness and co-dependency tends to manifest. Your feelings are not dependent on someone else's feelings.
And let's face it, conflicts can be emotionally draining, so it is essential to take care of yourself and manage your emotions during these challenging times. Engage in self-care activities that help you relax and reduce tension. Develop healthy coping mechanisms such as deep breathing exercises, journaling (DearUniverse.com), or seeking support from trusted friends or family members. Learn how to self-sooth. This was a game changer for me when I would scramble to make everything better for the sake of peace.
Learning how to build a bridge of communication in a relationship is an ongoing process of personal and relational growth. It truly is an art that requires practice, patience, and a commitment to maintaining a healthy relationship. By understanding the nature of conflict, establishing a foundation of respect and trust, employing effective communication strategies, setting ground rules, and embracing conflict resolution techniques your relationship will blossom. Remember, the ultimate goal is that love grows and deepens over time. You are building a life together that is supposed to be joyful and with a foundation of mutual respect.
With Love,
Sarah Prout.