Confessions Of A (Recovering) People Pleaser. Is That Okay?

Not Everyone Will Like You And You Don't Have To Care

I have an intention to be more up-close and personal with my writing. And people pleasing has historically been one of my biggest issues to manage. In the spirit of full transparency it was an exhausting chapter of my life that still rears its ugly head from time to time. So here it is…

People pleasing is a common tendency where individuals prioritize the approval and acceptance of others over their own needs and desires. It often stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or conflict, leading people to constantly seek validation and avoid displeasing others. People pleasers often find themselves saying "yes" when they really want to say "no," putting the needs of others before their own well-being.

This pattern can be emotionally draining and can lead to a loss of self-identity, as the focus becomes solely on meeting the expectations of others. Over time, people pleasing can erode self-esteem and hinder personal growth, as individuals neglect their own dreams and aspirations.

And it can also create discord in relationships.

It is important to recognize and address people-pleasing tendencies, setting boundaries, and learning to prioritize self-care and authenticity, ultimately fostering healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.

Here are my confessions...

1. I wanted to be liked so I would say YES to things without allowing myself to process what I really wanted first. Or I would say YES to hold off the uncomfortable feeling of knowing I disappointed someone. This ultimately isn't fair to the other person and it was definitely not fair to me.

2. At school, during math class, I would nod and smile to indicate that I understood specific problems when in fact I didn’t. I paid for this mistake until phones had calculators. Pretending to understand was more emotional comfortable that appearing “stupid”.

3. I cared so much about others' opinions of me that I forgot to care about my own self-perception. I truly believe that high anxiety and people pleasing walk hand in hand. Oh, and also perfectionism.

4. According to my mother, as a baby, I would slap myself in the face when I was told I couldn't do or have something. Somehow, the word "no" translated into me doing something wrong. This marked the beginning of my people-pleasing tendencies.

5. I used to have a blushing problem. I’d go really red (like beetroot red) when I would speak to people. My theory is that I’d get anxious worrying about how my words would land. As a public speaker with over 80 million video views it has seemed to somewhat cure the blushing.

6. I've learned that trying to please everyone is impossible and that's perfectly fine. It can be exhausting to even attempt it.

7. I've even invested significant time in trying to appeal to the better judgment of haters and online trolls, urging them not to believe their assumptions about me. Unfortunately, this proved to be a futile endeavor. Haters gonna hate.

8. I used to apologize constantly for inconveniencing people at the grocery store, even if we merely crossed paths. Instead of awkwardly and hurriedly saying "sorry," I should have switched to a friendly "hello" as my greeting. Even writing this feels weird.

9. My people-pleasing tendencies manifested as anger issues in my 30s. When I broke that pattern, it transformed into a jaw problem in my early 40s as I began gritting my teeth intensely as a coping mechanism. This eventually led to chronic migraines that lasted for two years.

10. I would put everyone before my own feelings. As they say on the safety flight instructions, you must put the oxygen mask on yourself first (not your children) so you can take care of others. I had to learn how to take care of myself first and this is still a work in progress.

Now let’s talk remedies to rise above people pleasing:

• therapy/mentorship helps tremendously to identify limiting beliefs and set boundaries and then stick to them.

• getting older (maturity and life experience) can make you more confident.

• understanding that not everyone will like you, and you don’t have to care.

• the world will not stop if you say NO.

• daily self-care practice and honoring your own needs is imperative.

Are you a people pleaser? Did you resonate with any of my confessions here? If so, or if you have new ones, please comment below and not care about what people think of you.

Part of my healing journey began when I wrote BE THE LOVE. It’s a deep dive into my emotional wellbeing and the tools I used to rise above my own patterns of self-sabotage. The paperback version is coming out on Oct 10th. Please pre-order here: https://amzn.to/3XDAhzK